Don’t Neglect the Tears of Christ

It was a Thursday afternoon and I had just driven through a snowstorm to see my friends in Fairbanks before leaving the state of Alaska.  During lunch with a friend, I was asked how my spiritual life was doing.  My friend was aware of what I had gone through this past Summer and I answered her honestly.  I told her it flatlined.  Her response was one of a true friend, one that lacked judgment.  Something we need more of in our church culture today.  I am not here to point any fingers or have any sort of angry rant, nothing like that… BUT, I am here to discuss the expectations I have observed over these past few months.  Most of what I have written below was on my mind while I prepared mentally for my throat surgery. Continue reading

I am Battling the Stigmas

Battling stigmas around mental health was the biggest thing next to my pride that kept me from getting the help I truly needed.  It took a true breaking point for me to put all of these fears and stigmas aside in order for me to submit myself to the Reading Hospital on June 16th, 2019.

Stigma: a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. (Google definition)

Recently, iHeart Radio has been doing a campaign around mental health.  As someone that has a mental illness, I greatly appreciate the work that they are doing to help dispel the very stigmas I have battled against.  For years, I thought if I hospitalized myself, I would be less of a person and looked down upon.  It was not just the thought that people might think I am crazy, but more that I would not be valued as a complete person any longer.  These stigmas fueled my fear.  I did not want to lose any standing I had or to be discredited for what I had accomplished.

Within 24 hours of submitting myself to the ER, I was transferred to Haven Behavioral Mental Hospital for suicide ideation.  I remained at Haven for 16 days under 24-hour care.  I was on suicide watch for the first five full days.  Once inpatient was complete, I was transferred to a step-down outpatient program for an additional ten days.  Outpatient was a partial hospitalization program.  During my time at Haven, one of the things we discussed was stigmas around mental health.

Twelve years ago, I was diagnosed with depressive disorder by my family doctor at the time.  We decided to give anti-depressants a try and I was put on Prozac.  However, due to the reaction I was having while on the medication, the doctor I saw while attending Elim believed I was misdiagnosed.  He thought I was bipolar.  For the next 12 years, I ran from his point of view and was afraid to ever breach the topic with my counselor.  It was not until Haven that the topic came back up again.  This time, Bipolar Type II.  The difference between type I and II is pretty simple.  Type I can experience swings between depression and mania within days or hours.  Type II typically has longer cycles of weeks and months between the mood swings.  Type II is also more in control during their mania stages as it is labeled hypo-mania.  This version does not typically enter manic stages.  Ever ride the Phoenix at Knoebels Family Amusement Park?  Think of Type I as the first slow incline to that first steep drop and uptake on a wooden roller coaster.  Then Type II would be those smaller ups and downs that keep the ride going.  As I sat through group therapy each day and learned more about the truth of mental illnesses it began to set in…

I am bipolar type II.  Part of me wants to say “I have” but the truth of the matter is that it is a part of who I am.  It is not my identity, nor is it to be used as a crutch or an excuse for my behavior.  However, it is the reality I will be dealing with for the rest of my life.  I was put on a mood stabilizer while at Haven and this further confirmed the diagnosis.  Since being put on the stabilizer, my life has been completely different.  I feel more in control of my emotions and do not get upset as easily.  I took a lot of time to reflect on my life with this new information and train of thought.  Suddenly, things began making sense.  It wasn’t just deep cycles of depression (a symptom of type II), it was cycles of the opposite as well.  While in hypo-mania, cycles I would struggle with include insomnia or low amounts of sleep but still have energy.  My addiction to energy drinks and being high on life in college was another example.  Or, there were the spending sprees that put me into hundreds to thousands of dollars in debt within a matter of weeks or less.

So, there it is, my mental illness is out in the open and something I plan to talk about more openly in the coming future.  My hope is that people can see that even “regular” people can struggle too.  Even “regular” people can have a mental illness and still live life to the fullest.  If you know someone with a mental illness, especially someone that deals with depression, the best thing you can do for them is to treat them normally.  Also, be willing to have an open-minded discussion with them about how it impacts their life.  I welcome any questions you may have below in the comment section.  However, what I do not want at this time is your opinions on what I can do to combat my mental illness personally or if you do not believe mental illnesses are something that exists.  I hope you have a great day and thank you for reading along as I tell my journey.

My fundraiser is today!
Tuesday, August 13th
10:00am – 9:00pm
Spinning Wheel 4:30pm – 7:30pm
Spirit Day at Chick-fil-A Berkshire Mall

Author: A. P. Smither
Editor: P. J. Walk

Passed Out While Holding an Oxygen Mask.

Hey there,

You are an awesome person and it is lovely to meet you. Thanks for following along in my life’s journey. The next couple of blogs will be a series based off of “I am” or “I have” statements. 2019 has been a very challenging year for me in many aspects of my life. From my careers (youth minister and technology assistant) to my personal mental and physical health, a lot of it has taken quite a toll on me. This blog is going to be an introduction as to what is to come for the month of August. For now, I am starting to rack up the bills.

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An Unmovable Barge in Stormy Seas

For anyone just tuning in to this blog, I am a youth minister in the Copper River Valley. It is important to know that my faith is in Christ for what I am about to share. I also believe there are spiritual forces at work. Both those that are helping us, and those that are against us (specifically as followers of Christ). There are often times when we as Christians must experience and fight through spiritual warfare. It is a topic I have often taken the opportunity to teach about.(Ephesians 6:10-19). Recently, I preached on this topic at my church, Tazlina Fellowship, here in the valley. Continue reading

Opposition is Opportunity (part 1)

Take a moment and check out this awesome blog from my older sister. Jessica McCray is an amazing mother of 4. She and her husband live in NY. Jess is also on the pastoral staff at a Vineyard Church near Syracuse.



I love trees. I  have loved to retreat to the woods for as long as I can remember. Trees take a  stoic stance that is a striking contrast to any season. I admire all trees but the birch tree is my favorite. There are unique black and white markings on the tall towering clustered trunks. I am captivated by the thin papery bark as it unfurls like parchment from a time long gone by. The lemon-lime melded color on it’s delicate leaves sway playfully with barely a breeze and camouflage our yellow finch visitors. When I was younger I loved to climb the arched trunks and swing on the bendable branches. Now, their silvery silhouette is one of my favorite winter views during our fierce Central New York winters.

      Birch trees  are a comforting view and part of my very first memories and moments of moving to New York. I…

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Is that a Turning Point in my Life or the Steroids Talking….?


I was battling different sicknesses and allergic reactions to multiple antibiotics over a five-week period. During my last checkup, I was happy to hear that the only symptoms remaining are due to allergy season kicking in. That said, during the final week of battling sicknesses, I was put on steroids to help fight off bronchitis. My lungs had become tired and inflamed from all the mucus it was fighting off in the weeks prior. I have been on similar doses of steroids for Tinnitus (once this past fall, and once when I first moved here). I knew it could impact my sleeping schedule but what I did not know was that it could make me more irritable. The pharmacist warned me about both side effects and for the latter said, “maybe no one will notice.” Ha! Well played…

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